Migraine

Migraine by Twenty One Pilots

Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?

This is one of my biggest question in my life. Am i the only one who trying so hard to fight Regret dan Bills? Other people looks like fine. Me too are trying to be fine but trust me im not okay inside. Or everyone is their war trying to look fine but not okay inside?

Let it be said what the headache represents,

Headache is a sign that there are something is wrong with your body or mind. Maybe you are physically hurt or your mind have a really heave baggage. Either way, headache is telling you that something is wrong. Unfortunately, this alarm doesnt just telling you whats is wrong but in unique way is making you incapable of moving.

I do not have writer’s block, my writer just hates the clock.

writer’s block is my excuse to not making video on youtube. In my opinion, if you have a good idea, you have to write it to know if thats a good idea or not. If someone tells you a story about a good idea but they cant explain it with needed detail, that idea is just a bullshit. That is why every idea of #MalamJumat #MalamMinggu or every project i have is written on Evernote. I always have a new idea. What i hate is the time that i have to make the idea come true.

It will not let me sleep, I guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead

Kenapa? Ide yang tidak terealisasikan karena waktu yang mepet membuat Regret dan Bills semakin besar dan membuat gue susah tidur. Regret membuat gue merasa cemas karena banyak orang diluar sana yang menagih malam jumat dan Bills membuat gue takut karena gue juga butuh malam jumat untuk membayarnya. Mungkin gue bakalan bisa tenang dari regret dan Bills  ketika meninggal karena death doesnt give a fuck about them.

I am not as fine as I seem, pardon.

Punten, gue juga gak beres. Mungkin gue keliatan stabil dengan dengan postur ini, mungkin gue keliatan yakin dengan berbagai macam jawaban, mungkin gue keliatan okay ketika didepan kamera. Kenyataanya tidak.

I’m telling you green gardens are not what’s growing in my psyche, it’s a different me.

Its like GTA V. You see and controling yourself as a third person. This third person somewhat is not ‘green’ or peaceful. Its like me but different state. Its like default state. I called him as Passenger. All of his purpose is to take me to one place to another without breaking down. Gimana ya… Bayangkan lo seharian ini capek kerja. Pulang jam 6 sore. Begitu sampai distasiun commuter line, lo berdesak desakan dengan orang lain. Kalau lo merasa rasakan hal itu, lo mungkin bakalan breakdown karena lo capek dan lo merasa gak nyaman dengan situasi itu. Makadari itu lo mengalihkan pandangan lo menjadi third-person supaya keliatannya lo sedang mengendalikan ‘seseorang’ sehingga lo bisa aman di tempat dimana thirdperson berada.

Something you won’t forget, it’s all about my forehead and how it is a door that holds back contents that make Pandora’s Box’s contents look non-violent.

Many things is on my head. Regret, Bills, Passenger, and so on so on. If it compared to Pandora Box’s content, they are 4 horseman of apocalypse.

Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions. They’re trying to eat me, blood running down their chin and I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win.

They have eaten me and i barely escape. Look at their chin. That is my blood. Everyday its just me trying to run away from this lion. It became a routine because we already racing each other for many years. Sometimes i win, sometimes i let them win.

I begin to assemble what weapons I can find ’cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind.

When i pay attention very very carefully, the lion doesnt exist. They are just manifesto of my mind. Mind means me, Regret, Bills, Passenger and That. I know i have to stay alive. I also know that im afraid of Death. So in order to stay alive, i have to erase a little bit of my humanity.

and now its running thin.

Migraine

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